How to go down on her like you mean it: the complete cunnilingus guide

Ask women what they wish men were better at in bed, and this comes up again and again. Not because men don't try — but because most men learned from porn, which is filmed for the camera, not for her pleasure.

The good news: going down on her well isn't a secret talent. It's a skill. A few basics, a bit of patience, and paying attention to her — and you can become the man she remembers. In the lifestyle, it's also one of the most generous, intimate things you can give her: before a date, after a date, or while another man is kissing her.

The anatomy you actually need

You don't need a medical degree. You need to know where things are.

• The vulva. Everything on the outside: outer lips, inner lips, clitoris, the opening of the vagina.

• The clitoris. The small, sensitive nub at the top where the inner lips meet. That's just the tip — the clitoris extends inside the body, which is why pressure around it also feels good. For most women, it's the main source of orgasm.

• The clitoral hood. A little fold of skin covering the clitoris. Many women prefer stimulation through the hood rather than directly on the very sensitive tip — especially at first.

• Inner lips. Sensitive, love being kissed, licked, gently sucked.

• The vaginal opening. Sensitive at the entrance, much less deeper inside. Fingers inside can add a lot (more below).

Every woman is different — shape, sensitivity, what she likes. Treat this as a map, not as instructions.

Rule number one: don't rush to the clitoris

The biggest beginner mistake: diving straight in and going hard at the clitoris. For most women, that's too much, too fast — like someone grabbing you before you're even hard.

Start far away and work your way in:

• Kiss her neck, her breasts, her stomach.

• Kiss her inner thighs. Slowly. Get close — then move away.

• Breathe warm air over her through her underwear. Kiss her through the fabric.

• Take the underwear off slowly.

• Kiss the outer lips, the inner lips, everywhere except the clitoris — at first.

Teasing is half of it. By the time you get to her clitoris, she should be pushing her hips towards your mouth.

The tongue techniques that work

Think of these as tools. Try them, watch her reaction, keep what works.

• The broad, flat tongue. Relax your tongue and lick slowly from the bottom to the top, covering everything. Soft, wet, warm. A perfect start.

• Up and down. Small, steady strokes over the clitoris (or the hood). One of the most reliable movements.

• Side to side. Same idea, horizontal. Some women prefer this.

• Circles. Slow circles around the clitoris. Vary the size.

• The pointed tongue. More focused, more intense. Use it once she's very warmed up.

• Gentle suction. Close your lips around the clitoris and suck very softly, maybe with your tongue moving at the same time. Can be amazing — or too much. Watch her.

• Spell the alphabet. An old trick: "write" letters with your tongue. Not because it's magic, but because it makes you vary your movements — and you'll notice which letters make her moan.

Soft is almost always better than hard, especially early on. You can always add pressure. And stay wet — dryness is a mood killer.

Add your hands

Your mouth doesn't have to do all the work.

• Hold her hips or thighs. It grounds her, and she can feel you're into it.

• Spread her lips gently with two fingers, so you have better access to the clitoris.

• Reach up to her breasts. Nipples and clitoris at the same time — a lot of women love that combination.

• Fingers inside. Once she's very wet and turned on, slide one or two fingers inside. Curl them up towards her belly in a slow "come here" motion. The area on the front wall a few centimetres inside (often called the G-spot) can feel incredible combined with your tongue on her clitoris.

Short nails, clean hands. Always.

The most important rule near orgasm

When she starts getting close — breathing faster, legs tensing, hips moving, moaning louder — do not change anything.

Same spot. Same speed. Same pressure. Same rhythm. Don't speed up, don't "go harder", don't switch to a new trick. Most men, when they sense she's close, get excited and change something — and the orgasm slips away. Keep doing exactly what's working until she comes. And then a little longer, softer, until she pushes you away or pulls you up.

Reading her signals

• Good signs: moaning, deeper breathing, hips pushing towards you, hands in your hair, pulling you closer, legs opening wider.

• Too much: flinching, pulling back, pushing your head slightly away, a sharp intake of breath that isn't pleasure. Go softer, move a bit away from the clitoris.

• Not enough: quiet, still, distracted. Try more pressure, or a different movement, or add fingers.

• Ask. "Like this?" "Softer or harder?" A quick question is sexy, not awkward. Or ask her to guide you with her hand on your head.

Positions that make it better

• Classic: she lies on her back, you between her legs. Put a pillow under her hips — it changes the angle and saves your neck.

• Edge of the bed: she lies on the edge, you kneel on the floor. Great access, comfortable for both.

• She sits on your face: she's in control of pressure and movement. Many women love it once they get over the shyness. Make sure you can breathe — hands on her hips help both of you.

• Standing / against the wall: she stands, one leg on your shoulder. Very hot, a bit harder to sustain.

• From behind: she's on all fours, you lick from behind. Different angle, very intense for some women.

Little things that make a big difference

• Beard and stubble. Stubble can scratch. Either keep it soft (beard oil helps) or let her know and be gentle.

• Take your time. Many women need fifteen, twenty minutes or more. Relax. If you're impatient, she'll feel it.

• Enjoy it — visibly. Moan a little. Tell her how good she tastes. Women relax much more when they feel you love doing it.

• Don't stop to talk too much. One question is fine. A long conversation kills the build-up.

• Hydrate. Seriously. A glass of water by the bed.

Lifestyle tips

• Before a date. Some couples love the ritual of the husband going down on her before she leaves — getting her warmed up "for him". Ask if she wants it; some women prefer to save themselves.

• During MMF or swapping. While another man kisses her or she's with him, your mouth on her can be an incredible combination. Coordinate with looks.

• After her date. She may be very sensitive. Go extremely gentle, or just kiss her thighs and hold her. Ask first.

• Health. If she's been with another partner, think about STI risks for oral sex. Dental dams exist for exactly this. At minimum, talk about it and know her partners' test status.

Quick checklist

• Know the map: lips, hood, clitoris, opening. Every woman is different.

• Don't rush. Tease with kisses, thighs, breath, fabric.

• Tools: flat tongue, up-down, side-to-side, circles, pointed tongue, gentle suction.

• Soft first. Stay wet. Add pressure only when she wants it.

• Use your hands: hips, spreading her lips, breasts, fingers inside with a "come here" motion.

• Near orgasm: change nothing. Same spot, same speed, same pressure.

• Read her: moans and hips forward = keep going; flinching = softer.

• Positions: pillow under hips, edge of bed, her on your face.

• Take your time, enjoy it visibly, mind the beard.

• Lifestyle: before or after dates only if she wants it; be gentle after; think about STI risk.

Going down on her well is one of the most loving things you can do — and one of the hottest. Take your time tonight. She'll notice the difference.